New Insights Gained from Toaster Studies
by Squadron Leader
Summary: A fake Science research article. Read the note for an explination. Please review!


Note-This is part of a Christmas gift for my sister. We have to write research papers analysing an article about recent Science articles. My sister always wants to write 'Attack of the Killer Toasters' on mine, so I wrote her a research paper about killer toasters. Here's the article. Hope you enjoy it.  
  
New Insights Gained From Toaster Studies  
  
Everyone knows what a toaster is, right? A new study has brought some disturbing information about toasters to light. While most toasters simply toast bread a new breed of toaster has been wrecking havoc in homes all across Canada. Researchers from the Hoopenflueler-Conprinsky Institute have released the results of their study into this strange new phenomenon.  
  
While on the exterior all toasters appear much the same, something inside could be horribly wrong. Broomhilda Bonosterjamennburger, the lead toastologist at the institute explains, "According to our research something, perhaps a badly burnt piece of toast, re-crosses several of the wires. Sometimes nothing happens but in rare cases the crossed wires can allow the toasters to come alive."  
  
Bonosterjamennburger's expertise did not extend to the type of toaster used. "I picked the toaster because of the number of reported incidents," says Ichabod Newkirkinchoganlebeaultzlink, an expert in toaster repair and selection. "Your average four-slot toaster has the highest chance of flipping out." Of course Bonosterjamennberger puts it slightly differently.  
  
Based on the opinions of several toaster experts a four-year-old was chosen as the best toaster operator for the experiment. Unfortunately the experiment did not go as planned. "The child was happier playing with the box than with the toaster," according to Bonosterjamennburger. There was a slight revision and a teenage girl was chosen as the next subject. But that too had its drawbacks. "The teen never made it near the toaster. On her way across the room she stopped to admire herself in our one-way observation window," Bonosterjamennburger recalls sadly. Finally a custodian was roped into operating the toaster effectively solving the problem.  
  
After several other delays, including a lunch break, the experiment got under way. Unlike most other experiments conducted in the high tech research facility, this experiment was not measured with lasers and did not use digital imaging. The experiment was relatively simple. "We just fried ourselves up some pretty charred bread and pushed the button down again. It took a couple of fire alarms and some pretty ticked scientists before we got any results."  
  
Despite the risks involved with the experiment the results were deemed more important and as a consequence the subject was not informed of the possible danger to himself. By examining the toaster fragments that were left at the end of the experiment, the toaster was unfortunately destroyed in an unsuccessful attempt to rescue the subject, the researchers learned several surprising new facts. "Our original hypothesis was not proven. The wires did not cross; at least according to the preliminary data we have collected. This could still be the case as not all of the fragments have been recovered from the victim, who was decapitated before we could reach him. Unfortunately, since our subject was the custodian there was no one to clean up the mess. That does prove beneficial for collecting fragments," Bonosterjamennburger said. "We are still examining the fragments we have now and our theory could still be proven correct. Nothing is certain at this moment."  
  
Based on the fragments studied a new method of distilling gasoline from the charred bits of toast was discovered. This is a revolutionary development that could take the place of the earth's dwindling supply of petroleum. In the future people from all over the world may be called upon to recycle their burnt toast crumbs, or each home may have a production module built into their homes.  
  
The recent outbreak of toaster violence doesn't show any signs of ending any time soon. In fact the number and frequency of toaster related deaths seems to be on the rise. If the increase continues on at the current rate every home in North America will be affected within two years. While there doesn't seem to be a problem with toasters in Europe and Asia yet that could change within a matter of months, the North American outbreaks only started to be reported six months ago.  
  
Civilisation may well be reverting back to a Dark Age of toasters where our bread will no longer be dry and crispy and our discarded toast crusts will not longer go to feeding starving children. The collapse of the toaster industry may well be akin to the collapse of the Roman Empire and affect the whole world. But Newkirkinchoganlebeaultzlink remains optimistic. "The world isn't done in yet. We've just got to bear down and toast our bread in other ways; the stove; the microwave; over an open fire. There are lots of options and a new market will open up for them. Or of course we could all go over to Europe until we wreck toasters over there too."  
  
  



End file.
